I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
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(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
[the middle of showering] I need a break
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
If by cat person you mean I like to sleep all day and poo in sand then yes I am a cat person.
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
There’s an old sheet of paper in the Batcave with “Carrier pigeons” “Carrier bats (??)” “Morse code” crossed out, and “Searchlight” circled.
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers