Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
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nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye