Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
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car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
When I’m president, we are going to have WAY more velociraptors.
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…