I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
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Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Yes, mother, I have gained weight.
No, it was not appropriate to point it out by pinching my muffin top in front of thirty people.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
Deathbed confession
Me: We’re bankrupt
Him: What? How?
Me: I lied about being able to fold fitted sheets. I bought new ones every time
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!
In love:
😐
Uncertain:
😐
Just married:
😐
Pregnant:
😐
Dead:
😐
Only $139.95! Act now!
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Is it just me, or are fewer and fewer mustachioed cads tying women to the train tracks these days?
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Thursday Thought.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”