I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
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Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
When your man makes a valid point
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days