Shoo shoo! 😂
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getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
Me: *places a hold on a book in the Libby app*
Libby app: There’s a 36 week wait on this book.
Me: *starts another book while I wait*
*two hours later*
Libby app: Your hold is ready.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes