Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
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My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”