What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
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Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
going to tell my kids this was benjamin franklin
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
Order a pizza then act confused when it arrives. “A delivery for Aaron? Aarons DEAD. He DIED ordering a pizza in this house 10 years ago”
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
who wants to come over and snake my drain this weekend?
(this is not a euphemism I am standing in two inches of bathwater)
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
“Mom, I promise I won’t interrupt your nap.” “Thanks honey, could I finish peeing by myself?”
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.
Me: Whew! Thank goodness.
Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.