Hear me out: his and hers houses.
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If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged