If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
You Might Also Like
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Always 🥴
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
That was easy.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat