Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
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Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
You look like the kinda person who eats the DO NOT EAT silica packets
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
Thursday Thought.
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
they should invent a rest for the wicked
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.