me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
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[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold my wife’s friend’s baby when they come over for dinner tonight.
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Wife: *comes home, sees backyard, leaves*
Me: *presiding over well-attended raccoon wedding* Will we see you at the reception!?!?
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
The only good comments section online is on recipes
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
greetings!
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.