I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
You Might Also Like
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
With my pasty white skin, ample curves, & hatred of manual labor, I would have dominated the 16th century.
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.