She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
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According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
[speed dating session]
Me: I have a good job with benefits. I love movies and hiking. And I’m a cat person.
Her: I love that! *writes her number on a napkin and slides it across to me*
Me: *slowly pushes the napkin off the table*
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
Lassie, get help!
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint