Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
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Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
“We are Three Percenters. We are everywhere.”
If you are only 3% you cant be everywhere.
It literally says so in your name.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
I’m with you, Hungry Hungry Hippos. I don’t find small plastic balls very filling, either. I can’t believe this what you guys eat in Africa!