[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
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[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
The struggle is real
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Breaking news:
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.
Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
Dance like you’re not the father
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener