I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
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“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
what do you get when you cross an octopus with a human?
thrown in jail for public indecency and banned from the aquarium for life.
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
Them: You should try keto
Me:
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
If god didn’t like sex, He wouldn’t make us scream His name when it’s really hot.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
Coworker: it’s weird not having snacks in the breakroom anymore
Me *quickly shoving donut drawer closed* good how are you
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.
Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.