If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
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my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
goldfish mafia
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Beware of fowl play.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
HER: I have something I want to tell u
ME: me too
HER: *smiles coyly* same time?
ME: sure
HER: 1,2,3 I LOVE YO-
ME: ONE TIME I ATE DOG FOOD
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?