I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
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Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Sharon I have some bad news
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
Old video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes!”
New video games: “Quick! Kill a bunch of dudes… but also, take some time to appreciate how emotionally complex it is to be a parent!”