If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!
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Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
Friends that check up on you >
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Go down a water slide without water and you’ll understand why foreplay is so important.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
If you love something, set it free.
If it returns, it probably can’t pay its student loans.
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Everyone is complaining about homeschooling their kids.
Don’t stress!
Just teach them what you know.“Ok children, today we’re going to learn nursery rhymes.
Repeat after me:
Beer before liquor, never been sicker; liquor before beer, you’re in the clear.”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.