*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
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Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome
Did the Bermuda Triangle just stop working one day? Why does no one spontaneously combust anymore? What happened to all the quicksand???
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
My mother-in-law talked non-stop while we watched Criminal Minds and now I have an idea for a cool new episode.
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this