Only shaving the parts of my legs where the holes in my jeans show skin isn’t lazy, it’s efficient
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Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
When ever I put on my mask to go into a store, I hear a voice in my head that says “cover me, I’m going in”
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
A nationwide recall of the popular children’s cereal Trix was issued today
“Just dump them out in your garden” said one long-eared FDA agent
Marriage is between two people: one person who is on the verge of sleep and one person who is asking if the front door is locked.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.