Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
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It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
My husband is awesome. He just gave me a bracelet that belonged to his grandmother. What does “Do Not Resuscitate” mean?
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!