Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
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Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
I sleep with a squirt gun under my pillow just in case a gang of cats break in while I’m sleeping.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
Relationship status:
I’ve put my ear hair in braids.
Get at me.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.