I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
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🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
💯😂
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Them: how are you?
Me: fine
Them: you don’t look fine
Me: then stop looking
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
[wedding day]
fiancé: I shouldn’t have let you pick the photographer
me: but he’s my best friend
[our dog trots up wearing a go pro]
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
As my dog lovingly stares at me as I’m buzzed out on cold meds, I wonder if he can drive a stick shift and go get me some Doritos.
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?