Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
You Might Also Like
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I think the cat got the dog high.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[Confession]
“I killed a man”
“Wait what”
“Lol had to get that off my chest, now why did you come in today, my son?”
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
*Me, accidentally knocking kitchen knife off counter*
My foot: I’LL GET IT
My brain: NO YOU IDIOT
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months