Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
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Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Is there a term for when you unlock your car but you get caught talking to a coworker in the parking lot and the car re-locks itself before you open the door but when you park at home and forget to lock it it stays unlocked?
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Check out the legs on this baby
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
The best way to get over a cold is to get a younger hotter cold
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k