I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
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•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
……bless you
*sneeze*
………GO TO HELL!!
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
*Unexpected item in the bagging area*
Me: Well what item exactly WERE you expecting?
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
i hate being a girl i wish i was a computer virus
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
You deplete me
Yup!
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.