I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
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I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Sensei: you have learned much, my child
Nonsensei: flamingos are extremely inconsiderate
Very good news from my accountant
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
Going to church you guys need anything
They did not think through this water fountain
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey
The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.