Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
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[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an ‘introduction to beavers’ workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.