If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
You Might Also Like
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion i’ve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized it’s conditioner
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?