I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
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addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Me: *notices the tooth paste is low and buys a new tube.
Also me: *somehow makes that old tube last three more months.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
turns out the ‘kkk’ are not just a group of guys who are very agreeable in their text messages 🙁
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Hey i am sexy to you now
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?