“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
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Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.