Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
The little notes taped everywhere in your Airbnb:
Keep porch light off after 11:00pm.
Don’t use bathroom outlet for hairdryer. Breaker will trip.
If you hear a child crying in old pantry, don’t open the door. It’s not a child, DON’T OPEN THE DOOR.
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
[picking her up for a date]
ME: you should know that i have a baby from another marriage
HER: really?
ME: yes, but the parents haven’t realized it yet so we gotta hurry, get in
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
If you play the movie Jaws backwards it’s basically a story about a shark with bulimia.
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
My 7 year old: *staring at my face*
Me: What is it, sweetie?
My 7 year old: Is my nose weird, too?
Kids are delightful.