Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
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Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
My birthstone is kidney
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*
The man that loves to eat on a lounger by the pool is a manipooleater
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.