You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
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Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Wordle is trying to tell me something
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Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
Love it! 👍😂
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign