Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape
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Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
[crime scene]
BATMAN: Who the hell are you?
MANBAT: Who the hell are YOU?
BATMAN: I’m Batman. A man who dresses like a bat.
MANBAT: I’m Manbat. A bat who dresses like a man.
[BATBAT arrives]
BATBAT: Who the hell are you two?
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
wife: please don’t pick any fights this year
me: im over that stuff [shows up later to my kid’s birthday party with a piñata shaped like one of the other parents]
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
My Kid: (handing me balloons) Daddy, can you make balloon animals?
Me: uh…sure… I can make an eel, or a snake…
My Kid: I want a poodle.
Me:…or a worm…
My Kid: POODLE!
the world’s most popular steaming services
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Pee pressure > peer pressure
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.