Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
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totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
My wife just said “I’m fine” and “Do whatever you want” in a single sentence so if you never see another tweet from me again, y’all know the reason.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
My sense of direction can only be described as unacceptable.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
don’t forget to look out for your single friends today! leave shallow bowls of water out around the garden so they stay hydrated! if you see one struggling try and feed it with a teaspoon of sugar water to help revive them!
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?
Just because we’ve been friends for ten years doesn’t mean I know your kids’ names.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
8: I wish you could homeschool me
Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-
8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.
Me: Ah look, the bus.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.