A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
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I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
remember
only for emergencies
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.