Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
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My wife is mad at me because most of the keys on my key ring don’t open anything. Uh yeah its almost like those keys are just for jingling? But go off
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.