water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
You Might Also Like
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.