Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
You Might Also Like
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
So I’m at the level in marriage where your spouse tries to kill you with a heart attack by yelling “kaboom” in the middle of the night while dreaming.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
oh u like geography? name every lake
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people