I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
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AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
*fakes own death*
*attends own funeral in disguise*
*takes attendance*
Him, yelling from the other room: Why do you keep upping the amount of my life insurance?
Me, pouring heavy whipping cream into his skim milk carton: I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
Leaving the Barbers like
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
Ann Coulter has managed to stay so thin because the last solid meal she ate was Hansel and Gretel.
if this isn’t a simulation then how does my cat know exactly where i’m going when i’m carrying something heavy
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.