Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
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girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
School crossing signs are bullshit, i’ve literally never seen a kid walking 20 mph
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
My ex gf came from the land down under, no not Australia, Hell.
Ape together strong
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
why does this building look like a guilty dog