With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
You Might Also Like
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
People are always telling me I look like Hagrid from Harry Potter. I’ve never seen the movies, but she must be a beautiful gal.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Me: I’m terrified of aging rock bands
Therapist: You too?
Me: [screams]
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
Me trying to reach for my goals
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
So inspired right now.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.