Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
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I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
how was your vacation
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
blocked.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
My son called a paper cupcake liner a “muffin skirt” and I immediately trademarked it
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.