WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
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So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
That de-escalated quickly
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *puts lipstick on the dog and watches Sleepless in Seattle*
Wife – “….””
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
Giving my wife a bikini wax for the first time. Should I wake her up or just let it be a surprise?
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler