The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
The French word for sex is croissant.
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
My 4yo is in complete shock after she found out her uncle is my brother.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Keep your friends close and your unattractive enemies closer so you look better by comparison in pictures.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Modest Mouse: Float On
Arrogant Mouse: Gloat On
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.