I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
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Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
People can’t drive.
Take this guy behind me for example, doing 110 mph with flashing blue lights.
What the hell is a ECILOP anyway??
Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
This meeting could have been a cake
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️