I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
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In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
*grilled cheese
cheese: i want a lawyer
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.